The NEW Normal

My husband always tells me that one of the reasons he married me was because I was not normal...normal is boring. Yes, my husband thinks normal is boring. I suppose he is right, but I don't even know if we have any "normal" to base our opinions on. We have never really felt "normal" and have always been pretty abnormal.
When we first met we were both running from different things, different people, different situations. I had just spent my first year in college and had accomplished nothing except the "freshman list". You know, the freshman list: gain 20 pounds-check, get stoned for the first time-check, check, go on an alcohol binge that induces memory loss (wait, how many days have I been drunk?)-check, check, check, AND fail at least one college course-check, check, checkity check. So when a friend asked me to join her for a summer in Alaska, of course I said yes.
Josh was running away from his own reality. He had married young, his high school not-so-sweetheart, and started a marriage which allowed him to have 2 beautiful kids and a list of regrets that he too could put into a checklist, but let's not. So he found himself separated and working for a carnival (they provided a paycheck and a place to sleep).
I arrived in Anchorage in May, feeling anxious and excited for the journey ahead and I remember being confused...it was late at night, yet the sky was dusk, not black. The next morning we prepared to depart for Kenai and I met Josh for the first time. He was rude. My friend and I were being introduced to the rest of the crew, being polite, trying to remember names, and Josh was one of the names I remembered...because he was so rude. He just made it so clear that he had no interest in meeting anyone or talking to anyone, let alone becoming friends with anyone. Challenge accepted. I set out on my own little mission to get to know this guy who just seemed to be pissed at the world, who wouldn't even look me in the eyes when he spoke, and who didn't even stand in front of me long enough to hear my name. Of course, he tells this story somewhat differently. But this is my recount of the tale.
The next week was spent getting to know everyone, working long hours and having tons of fun doing it. I was in love with Alaska...the country, the people, the rain, the sun, the ocean. Head over heels in love. I was being pursued by another guy, nice guy but "friends" material. I was never good at letting a guy down easy. We moved on to Homer where we began the process of loading the carnival onto the ferry...I persuaded Josh to stay in my camper (with my two friends and I) rather than in a tent. The next day I knew I had my teeth into him. We boarded the ferry and headed to Kodiak. I was hiding from my male friend who wouldn't give up yet and Josh was also hiding from a female friend who wasn't ready to give up. We forged a rapid friendship, having spent several hours over the past week talking to one another...Josh just kept finding himself stuck in my company. He gave in, quickly, without putting up much of a fight.  We found ourselves running out of places to hide...so we went into the cargo hold. Oops, not supposed to go there. We hung out in the RV and talked until we fell asleep. The next morning we emerged late for breakfast, with the rest of the crew suspicious and grumpy, as we pulled into port.
So, you get the picture...summer romance began. When it was time for me to return to Nebraska for my brother's wedding, I had been struggling with a decision. Josh, although separated, still had to make some major decisions regarding his family. I did not want to alter his decisions in any way...I wasn't sure if I should go home to Nebraska and stay or come back after the wedding. I told Josh two days before I flew out that I was going to go home for two weeks and then return. I told him I would be finding a place to rent, for myself. I wanted him to return to his family, make his decisions, and I would be his friend. I loved him, but I didn't want to be a homewrecker.
He bought a plane ticket. Josh ended up with a plane ticket to come to Nebraska with me. I left. He flew out 3 days later. We never returned to Alaska that summer. We have never been back. We worked in the hayfield in Nebraska. We took a bus to Idaho to stay with his parents. We got pregnant. We had been discussing marriage and family, pending the finalization of his divorce, when I realized my period was late.
Once again, I tried to leave. I wanted to go home, to Nebraska. I wanted Josh to finalize his divorce and I did not want him to jump into a new marriage right away. I was so scared that he was going to marry me out of a sense of duty.
He rode the bus back to Nebraska with me, we got our first apartment together and settled into our lives. We weren't "normal", by any means. We had so many complications. Child support payments, a divorce that was taking forever, pregnancy complications...to name a few. Our daughter was born. We were married in front of a justice of the peace when she was 6 months old. We were so excited to elope that we didn't even remember to take pictures.
Life continued...it was about as "normal" as it would ever be. Marriage, family, work....we went through all the motions and were blissfully happy. We never thought anything was unusual until we looked back, ten years later and remembered little things. The waves of sadness, the moments of insanity, the crazy that we both hid as deep as possible. Eventually it would all emerge...
It did. And so far, it is still here. We have realized that it is much harder to pack all that crazy inside and hide it away when you have no more storage places left. We became so full of crazy that we had to let it out. Now we are learning to cope, to accept, and to love each other all over again.
We both exhibited a million telltale signs of some form of mental illness from the very beginning. Josh told lies to help himself hide from all his regrets. I buried my crazy with antidepressants, letting numb become  comfortable. But when I ran out of refills or made a decision to stop the meds, convinced I didn't need them, Josh would have to hold me together. He would take the brush out of my hand to stop me from beating myself with it. He would hold me for hours, sometimes days, while I cried.
We knew we weren't "normal". But we weren't ever going to admit it.
Today is different...we know we aren't "normal". Now we accept that we need help. We want to change the way that "normal" is viewed. We love our kids, more than life. I will not stand by and watch them go through any of what I have gone through and not be willing to admit that it is not their fault. The worst pain I ever felt was thinking that I was not normal, that I never would be, and that everyone who loved me didn't understand.
I accept who I am today. Tomorrow I am prepared to stand beside my child, if need be, and help him/her through any feelings of abnormality, through the anger, through the sadness. I will be the change that needs to be. Too long we have lived in a society where people have hidden their "abnormality", feeling ashamed or afraid of what others will think. It is time to realize that the feelings that we all have of "abnormality" is what NORMAL really is.