Everyone wants to help. Everyone has insight. Everyone has experience.
So do I.
Here is the thing, it is inevitable that the things I am going to write in this blog will cause people to feel sorry for me and try to tell me all the different things I should be doing or that I should try. But the truth is, this is my therapy right now.
I know what has (and has not) worked for me in the past. I have been in and out of therapy and on and off medications for my depression. I have also learned enough about my depression to be able to say enough is enough--pharmaceutically speaking, that is. And it does help to be a nurse...I have a little more knowledge about the way the medications work now. I also know more about neurotransmitters and how to identify side effects or adverse reactions. I do not know everything, do not misunderstand what I am saying here. I am not claiming to be a know-it-all.
Here's the thing about the medication I was just on-
I was on it for 3 years. When I first started taking it, I felt great (well, after a couple weeks). After about a year and a half I felt that it wasn't working as well. So, I went to the Dr. and got an increase in dosage, as I figured this was most likely an increased tolerance. Like the alcoholic who needs more booze to get drunk today than they did a month ago...I needed more medication to meet my brain's needs.
Withdrawal is awful. I was taking Effexor XR this time. It has some crazy side effects. If I took my dose even one hour later than usual, I felt like I had electrical shocks all over my brain. Withdrawal from this medication started immediately, at least for me. I have read testimonials from people who stated they had no withdrawal symptoms at all. Honestly, I didn't mind the first couple hours after a missed dose; the symptoms for the first couple hours helped me realize right away that I had forgotten a dose, therefore I could take it ASAP. But, there were the occasions when I ran out. Twice in 3 years I ran out of refills. I have much respect for physicians, DO NOT misunderstand what I am saying. I was as much responsible for the error in refills as my physician. Most physicians want to see you at least once a year to follow up on how the meds are working and to do a regular check up. The appointments are important and necessary. Be smart, schedule them well ahead, so you don't have to beg for an appointment or pray for someone else to cancel at the last minute. As a mother of 4, full-time student, and full-time employee I was not great at remembering to schedule my appointments ( or keep them for that matter). Things come up...life happens. Kids get sick, exams stress you out, and people no call-no show at work, leaving you to cover the holes because in nursing the show must go on. In nursing people still need to be taken care of, regardless of what is going on in your persona life. If I don't show up to work, the nurse that has been there for the last 12 hours has the luxury (BARF!!!!) of staying until someone else agrees to come in. Sometimes no one will come in. Sometimes no one will even answer the phone. And sometimes you work 16+ hours and all your boss will say about it is "well you aren't supposed to be here over 16 hours!" And what do we get to say? Simply put- the boss didn't exactly show up when you were nearing the 20th hour, so why would anyone else.
.....Ranting about the issues with staffing long term care centers would be another blog in itself.......
Back to discussing withdrawal...
The symptom I hate the most is the fog. The crying sucks, don't get me wrong. So does the anger-happy-sad-numb mood swing cycle. Sleeping, being unable to get out of bed, that is probably the easiest symptom/side effect of it all. At least when I sleep I don't say things I will regret instantly and I don't cry at the drop of a hat, for no reason that I can give because I don't even know the answer. But THE FOG. The fog is this feeling of complete hyperactivity of thoughts. There are so many thoughts going on in my brain that I feel like I am driving 200 mph in rush hour traffic...I can't make it slow down enough to see where I can change lanes or find my exit. The thoughts are so random and so fast and so unpredictable that I can't exit. And then someone asks "How are you?" or "How are you feeling today?" Well, if only I could shut down the freeway long enough to be able to say something normal. I would LOVE to look them in the eye and simply say "I'm fine, how are you?" But NO! I look at them with a dazed look and say "I..I...I'm fine." I say the words, but my appearance does not match the words and my words don't even sound remotely true.
Yesterday I ran into a classmate from high school, someone who has been a friend since before kindergarten, and the scenario played out. When I replied to his query..."I'm f..fi..fine. How are you and your family?", my lifelong friend looks at me with eyes that spoke louder than any words he could have said "WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME?" So I simply said, "You are right, I am lying, and I can't do that well." And so the word vomit began. I explained things that didn't need explaining. I couldn't stop. I just kept talking, trying to explain that I have always been this way, but I am trying to stop pretending to be someone I am not. You see, I spent most of my school years being that annoyingly happy person, the cheerleader who just seemed too bubbly to put up with. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be friends with EVERYONE, but truthfully wasn't allowing myself to be friends with anyone, because I hid who was inside. There were a few that I let in, those that were sworn to secrecy. But I didn't even tell them everything. But back then I didn't know that I was depressed. I actually thought I was just different, embarrassingly different...crazy. So I smiled, I laughed, I partied, I had fun. All the while I hated who I was and regretted so much. I remember the night my friend called me and asked me if it would be okay for her to go after my ex-boyfriend. It was so nice of her to ask. She didn't have to. The boy and I had been friends FOREVER and had attempted dating, only for me to discover that I couldn't do it...he was my friend, and although I loved him, I would never be in love with him. I had broken it off and felt horrible about it. So when my female friend called I felt like it was a perfect opportunity to make it up to my guy friend. That was so long ago. They dated the rest of high school and on into college. Today they are still together, blissfully happy with kids in tow. I love running into them, it makes me so happy to know that I did one thing right so many years ago. Not that I really deserve any credit...I think they would have ended up together anyway. But I do like to think I helped. If they read this I sincerely hope they forgive me for babbling...
Anyway, word vomit in the grocery store to a lifelong friend who had not clue that I was so weird... poor guy. No one deserves to run into ME in withdrawal. I have been in such a fog since I ran out of meds. But here is the thing, the reason I started typing this entry to begin with, I CHOSE this. It may be hard for some of you to understand. I KNOW how dangerous it can be to stop taking my medicine. That is why I am talking about it, being honest with everyone. I know the risks. But considering the adverse reactions I was dealing with and the fact that I wasn't feeling that I was taking a therapeutic dose anymore, I knew what had to be done. Typically a physician would have tapered the dose down to decrease the withdrawal symptoms, but as I said, I just lost my insurance. I can't afford to go to the Dr. right now. Plus, there is no guarantee that they will agree with me. If I go in and try to explain all that I think or know and desire, they may just decide to increase the dose. Or they may add another medication. Either way, not what I wanted. MY BODY, MY CHOICE. So, I choose to stop the meds. I will detox my way, cleaning my body of the medication that my body has been used to having for the last 3 years, experiencing all of the awful symptoms, begging my family to continue to put up with me, until I decide what I will do from here.
Honestly, I have it easy. Really I do, and I am grateful for this gift. I do not struggle with suicidal thoughts. I did as a teen, but haven't since my early 20s. So many people fight battles with the suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and I know how awful that is, but I am fortunate to not have that struggle. I have too much to live for. I recognize that, I am selfish in that regard, actually. I don't want to die because I don't want to miss out on anything. I want to see my great-great grandchildren.
So, here it is....another written brain explosion that some of you will not understand and some of you will be freaked out by. It's me, it's my thoughts.
UNEDITED thoughts!!!!!!
I am certain that I will lose certain things (people) in my life due to my babbling, my word vomit. But I am also certain that I will gain much more. I feel connected, less foggy when I type these words. I could have written all of this in a private journal, and perhaps some of you will wish I had. But I want to help. I want to help myself and I want to help others.
The idea for this blog came out of the realization that when I am caring for someone else, I feel happy. I am a nurse. I want to help people. I am not able to get paid to help others right now, I am a stay-at-home mommy and I love it, but I can still help. I am hopeful that my honesty and my experiences will help someone.
It's Christmas Eve and I have been debating whether or not to leave early to go to Grandma's. The struggle is in my head--if I leave early I get to spend more time with family, which I LOVE. I am always one of the last to leave Grandma and Grandpa's house. BUT, if we get there early I have to maintain my emotions longer. I don't know if I can avoid crying for too many extra hours. I don't cry because I want to cry. I cry because my brain doesn't give me a choice. Grrrrrrr........
What to do, what to do.... I need the happy memories with my loved ones so much more than I need to maintain my sense of self control and pride. I'm leaving early!
Merry Christmas!
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