I had an idea to blog about my depression....

December 20, 2014
Today has been an awful day. It started out ok, had the Elders over for breakfast...which turned into lunch because I wasn't prepared. It was fun, we all went to the store, came back and prepared a delicious breakfast/lunch. Shortly after they left I felt so overwhelmed with fatigue and sadness.... Now I sit here, watching the kids fight about who did or didn't do what to whomever (typical sibling fights) and all I can do is cry. DON'T ask me what's wrong, please, because I will tell you now...

I do not know. There is no real reason for my tears. I am sad. I am depressed. To be honest, I laughed several times today. I truly laughed. It felt great to laugh. But unfortunately the laughter doesn't last. I wish there were a way to store up all of the happiness I feel when I am laughing, when I am good. I want to bottle that up so that when I am low, when the darkness consumes all the happiness, I want to drink from that bottle. It would be so much better than taking the pills. The pills that help, but then stop helping. Withdrawal........................................................................................................................

Withdrawal is what happens when the insurance is gone, you can't afford it. You can't afford the medication without the insurance. What you didn't know was how bad the withdrawal would be. I mean, I am sure that heroine addicts going through withdrawal would call me a big baby. I know that this type of withdrawal is nothing compared to what an addict goes through. I am grateful for that. I don't ever want to know what their withdrawal is like. I know that this misery I am experiencing is bad enough for me. I have quit smoking before, I know what that withdrawal was like. I wanted a cigarette so bad during those times...sometimes I would do things, shameful things, to get one. Begging the neighbor, scrounging pennies to buy a pack of the cheapest, nastiest cigarettes I could find. And then, after getting a cigarette, taking a drag....and wanting to throw up, it's so nasty. Snubbing out the cigarette, regretting having wanted one so bad. But then looking at what is left of the foul little demon, unable to throw it away...keeping it for the next time I break down.

But overcoming it, finally reaching the top of the mountain and moving past it, no longer wanting that cigarette. I HAVE DEFEATED YOU! I WIN! I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE! That feels so good.

If only this were like that. The medication withdrawal that I am going through is different. This particular medication is for the treatment of depression and anxiety. When I started taking the medication 3 years ago, it was because nothing else I had tried worked. I had hives covering me from head to toe. Antihistamines made them worse, more like an allergic reaction to the antihistamines. Now I can't even take antihistamines....let alone cold medicine or anything else that has antihistamine in it.

After being diagnosed at the age of 19 with clinical depression, I began the trial and error train. Take one med for 3 months....nope not working. Therapy, therapy, therapy. Take another med.....it works! Until it doesn't. The cycle has been repeated over and over. Some meds worked, some didn't. Some therapists were helpful, most weren't. 

Anyway, I am tired now. I don't want to type anymore right now. So I end this now, to be continued.....